26 GAY PEOPLE's ChroNICLE FEBRUARY 9, 1996
ARTHUR E. OTT
Serving Suburban Cuyahoga & Summit Counties
ATTORNEY & COUNSELOR AT LAW
PERSONAL PLANNING
COHABITATION (Living
Together) AGREEMENTS WILLS & TRUSTS
POWERS OF ATTORNEY
BUSINESS
CORPORATIONS
PARTNERSHIPS
CONTRACTS
COLLECTIONS
150 E. SPRAGUE RD.
BROADVIEW HTS., OH
(216) 838-8350
REAL ESTATE
CO-OWNERSHIP AGREEMENTS
RESIDENTIAL-BUY/SELL/LEASE CONSTRUCTION / DEVELOPMENT COMMERCIAL
SOCIAL SECURITY
DISABILITY
SUPPLEMENTAL INCOME
LITIGATION
TAXATION
4496 DARROW RD. STOW, OH
(216) 686-3082
E-mail: aeott@ix.netcom.com 75030.2766@CompuServe.com
of Rinaldi Jewelry
Where "Lil" Things Mean A Lot
TV's own "Lil John" would like to acquaint you with his fine jewelry store. Rinaldi Jewelry is the downtown store with a touch of old-fashioned service and quality that caters to your needs. Come see us for your commitment rings.
Our Personal Services Of:
•
•
• Appraisal. Free Ring Cleaning Repairs Free Inspection
Phone: 566-0603
2028 East 9th Street
·
Between Euclid & Prospect Hours: Monday Friday 10:00 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. Saturday 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Mention this ad for 20% Off Your Purchase!
Join CyberGuy in supporting AIDS WALK CLEVELAND
CyberGate inc. is pleased to announce it's Gold Sponsorship!4
Every Month a $5.00.
donation will made
to Aids Walk from
可
your subscription total!
$19.95 a month gets you full, unlimited InterNet Access.
AIDS
NON-PROFIT
日日
700
ULK
VIRTUAL
PRESENCE
NVP
Check Out the WebSite at ... http://www.cybergate.net/aidswalk
CYBERGATE
inc.
247-7660
歐
四
BOOKS
How to find the perfect Valentine, all year long
by Andrea L.T. Peterson
You might not find him in time for Valentine's Day, but if you take the advice of author Craig Nelson, you just might find him for life--or for more than just one night. In his new book, Finding True Love in a
FINDIN MAN
LOVE LD
Man-Eat-Man World: the Intelligent Guide to Gay Dating, Romance, and Eternal Love, Nelson, self-described "Mr. Husband," spells out what is probably the basic principle of finding true love:
"Once you know and accept yourself... you will have learned the secret method of being happy and finding a great guy."
"Good self-esteem," Nelson goes on to explain, "means that you accept yourself as a human being, warts and all, and that this acceptance gives you a serenity and a comfort about your place, abilities, and talents in. the world."
That's it, in a nutshell. But out of the shell Nelson elaborates, offering tips for meeting the right guy, dating, romancing, having sex, working through troubles, making it work, even watching it fall apart.
How does a book like this happen? For Nelson it was simple. He was sitting at lunch with his editor, kidding about the need for a how-to book--a humorous book-about finding Mr. Right if you're "gay, single, and dating."
Nelson collected too many stories that just weren't funny. Too many guys were having too hard a time trying to date, trying to make relationships work. “I couldn't do a funny book," he says.
And, observed Nelson, "there really isn't anything like this" out there—a book for gay men. The shelves in bookstores are full of books "primarily for straight audiences and for women but," Nelson argues, "the straight
models don't work."
20TH ANNIVERSARY!
SANDWICH BOARD
Wallhaven Area
1667 W. Market Street • Akron, Ohio Monday-Saturday 11:00pm-8:00pm
•
Sandwiches Soups
•
• Homemade Desserts
•Vegetarian Dishes
Nelson did "massive research-books and magazines. Throughout [all of the] books, their writers would offer "one world view. Whether Freud, Jung, transactional analysis, gestalt, everyone tried to explain the entire inner life [of a person] with this one point of view."
Therapists writing such resources-a very entertaining subject for Nelson-tend to write from their experiences with less than well adjusted individuals, not from experiences with people seeking healthy relationships and possessing the skills with which to pursue those relationships.
Finding True Love takes a "pragmatic, practical approach. From the first awareness that they're in love with another person" of the same gender, gay men who are just coming out "know instinctively its so horrendous you can't tell your friends and family," he explains. “Most have successfully struggled to overcome internalized homophobia as far as sex [is concerned], but I'm not so sure as far as love [is concerned]."
Nelson also points out that the "interpersonal struggles" of gay people might not be all that different from those of straight people. They are only "delayed... it just shows up later because we often only begin to interact romantically later, after a process of coming out and finding our community."
While the idea for this volume and the encouragement of an editor were easy coming, getting the material was a considerable challenge. Nelson knew from the start that he couldn't write about women. For one thing, Nelson says, "their current girlfriend is their ex's ex... I have absolutely no experience with that."
On their second date, he quotes conventional wisdom, lesbians start living together. Gay male couples don't have a second date. Not always true, but often enough. Hence, men were clearly the subject of Finding True Love.
But "it was tremendously difficult," Nelson says, not without a degree of frustration, "getting gay men to talk about these things, even anonymously."
Time after time Nelson says, “men would say, 'Oh, we're happy to be involved [in this book]. It's so important for couples to have trust, communication, and sharing.' Yet none wanted to talk about anything intimate or personal-exactly what is essential for this [kind of] book."
Even couples together for a really long time-20 or more years—wouldn't provide the kind of experiences that Nelson sought. "I wanted a poetic, evocative section about long term relationships, but the best quote I could get was from a man who explained that his lover "is like an old pair of jeans you just can't throw out."
Couples seem to be together more for reasons of security and comfort, their lives filled with mundane daily minutiae-no romance, no poetry.
Nelson believes whether practical reasons or reasons of the heart, couples last over long periods of time, in spite of challenges and adversity, because of "a fantastic balance of similarities and differences. If you are too similar, you bore each other," he maintains. "Too different, you fight too much."
He set out to write "a book about relationships, about inner needs that doesn't fall back on all the therapeutic cliches." The result, is a detailed manual offering insights, advice, tips, and even warnings.
And Nelson knows a bit of what he speaks two previous relationships, six years each, currently in year two with the man to whom he dedicated Finding True Love, Mark. "We've all had bad one night stands, bad dates, bad sex, bad relationships. The need for this book," says its author, "is patently ridiculous. It's for guys just out of the closet who don't,know 'what they're supposed to do now,' or for anyone trying to improve his relationship, dates, sex life, or his life in general," since self-improvement, and enhanced self-esteem always benefit the individual before the couple he becomes a part of.